Jacqui Thomas » More Love

Allow Yourself to Receive

Jacqui — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 04:13:43 +0000

Being fiercely independent is limited and selfish. A controversial statement perhaps, but as Helen Keller famously said, “Alone we can achieve so little, but together we can achieve so much.” Even Einstein, known more for his mathematical genius than his philosophies on life, deduced that “when two people put their heads together, it is like a third person has entered the room”.

A certain amount of independence is a good thing. It’s useful to be capable of looking after yourself and to be responsible for your actions. But being completely self-sufficient is counter-productive. Being totally self reliant cuts you off from community which is essential for us to “thrive”, rather than merely “survive”.

As humans we have needs beyond basic food and shelter. We have an emotional need for community – to share, to love, to feel, to contribute. Being part of a community is a two way street – you need to be able to “give” and to “receive”. In order for the process to work effectively, receiving is equally important as giving. One can’t happen without the other. So it’s important to take your turn at both.

Sometimes we feel like we have to do it all, that there is no help available. There is always help available, but you have to be willing to allow it. Maybe you need to create some space to let the help in? Allow yourself to receive. Stop doing it all, so there is room for others to help you. Ask for help and accept it graciously when it comes. Let go of needing to control everything yourself, so other people can help you. And remember that receiving help is just as valid as giving it. Both sides of the equation are crucial to the process – so we all need to do our fair share of both!

An Attitude of Gratitude

Jacqui — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 03:22:58 +0000

How often do you actually stop and appreciate everything you have and everything that is good about your life? I’m sure we can all recall times when we’ve been told to “count our blessings” but when was the last time you actually did? Feeling and being grateful is a powerful exercise, which not only can make you feel a lot better about your circumstances, but also seems to welcome more good things into your life.

Most of us here in New Zealand truly do have a lot to be grateful for. We live in a beautiful country, we have the luxury of freedom, and we are relatively safe and trouble free. The vast majority of us have a roof over our heads, food in our tummies, the opportunity of good education and safe drinking water straight out of the tap. If we can add to the list good health and people who love us, then most of us really are quite lucky and do indeed have a lot to be grateful for.

Next time you’re feeling a bit down and life seems unfair, a great boost is to write yourself an exhaustive list of all the things you are grateful for. Don’t forget to include things that you probably take for granted but would miss terribly if they were taken away, these are usually the important ones! Don’t stop until you absolutely can’t think of anything else to add. I guarantee you’ll feel instantly better about your situation. It’s highly likely that once you have your “grateful list”, whatever it is you’re upset about not having will seem quite trivial in comparison with everything you do have. It’s quite true, no matter how bad things seem, there will always be someone much worse off than you, and I bet they would love to trade places and have all that you have.

You don’t have to wait until you’re feeling sorry for yourself to start getting into the habit of being grateful. A daily grateful journal is a lovely way to finish each day. Simply write down 5 things that you are grateful for before you go to bed each night. This gets you into the habit of focussing on what’s good in your life, rather than what’s wrong or missing. When you do this consistently not only do you feel much better about yourself, you also start a positive spiral upwards, attracting more good things your way. It seems we don’t get given any more until we appreciate what we’ve already got!

By Jacqui Thomas

If You Don’t Ask, You Don’t Get

Jacqui — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 20:44:50 +0000

In my opinion, asking is the most under-utilised tool for getting what you want. Kids do it well, but as adults we seem to have lost this tool from our repertoire.

Why?

* Because we’re scared someone will say No

* Because we’re scared someone will say Yes

* We don’t want people to think less of us for asking (ie, that we are weak, needy, incapable, dependent, bludging….)

* We don’t want the other person to feel bad for saying No

* Because we think other people should know what we want, without us having to ask

How ridiculous!

Life would be much simpler if people could communicate freely and clearly and ask for what they want and need.

Some solutions…

* If someone says No, it doesn’t matter. It’s not the end of the world, it’s not personal – they simply can’t help and you need to either ask a different question, or ask someone else. (Children do this well. In fact, the other option they employ is to keep asking the same question, until the answer changes, however I don’t recommend this!) Even if the person you’ve asked can’t help with your request, they will often offer alternatives or suggest someone who may be able to help, so you’ve still gained from asking the question. And, often they will feel flattered by the request, even if they can’t oblige, so everyone wins.

* If someone says Yes – Great! Remember they are adults, it was their choice to say Yes. Accept it with grace and gratitude. There is no need to feel bad about it.

* We are humans not robots. It is impossible to be completely self-sufficient, we all need other people for all manner of reasons. People don’t think less of you for making a request, whether it be for help, a date, or whatever. Usually they are flattered, it makes them feel good to be asked, whatever their chosen response might be. And in turn, it enables them to feel better about asking for whatever they need.

* If they have a problem communicating their honest response, then that is their responsibility to work through, not yours. If it makes you feel better, you can let them know at the outset of your request that the choice is theirs – you just need a yes or a no.

This is a biggie in relationships, with partners, families and friends. The truth is we all see the world from our own perspective. You can’t assume that someone else sees what you see, and therefore can second-guess your needs and desires. Save everyone a lot of grief by being upfront about what you need and want. You won’t always get it but at least both parties know what the request is, and from there can make, and deal with, a clear response.

Written by Jacqui Thomas

Trust Your Gut!

Jacqui — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 07:25:54 +0000

Often the most important decisions we make in our lives can be the toughest to make. There is no end of outside influence that can affect our decisions: friends, family, colleagues, professional experts, the media, the Internet… and the list goes on. A good decision though, is the one that is right for us, personally. To help us make our own right decisions, we each have three different internal decision making tools we can consult: our head, our heart, and our gut. The best decisions are made when all three are in line, wanting the same thing.

Most of us are fully aware of our head when it comes to making decisions, this is our brain rationally weighing up the pros and cons. Some of us even listen to our hearts, this is what we feel is the best decision, or the decision that we want for ourselves. But how many of us use our gut to make decisions? This is our intuition, that sense of “knowing” what is right or best.

Using all three, guarantees us the best decisions. Ideally, all three will point to the same answer. If not, pay careful attention to your gut – usually this is the one that gets it right! If this seems a bit “out there” for you, see the quote below from famous scientist, Albert Einstein.

“The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful
servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has
forgotten the gift.” Albert Einstein

Article by Jacqui Thomas

What Drives You? – Pleasure Versus Pain

Jacqui — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 07:06:19 +0000

Every single thing that we do is driven psychologically by a basic desire to either gain pleasure, or avoid pain. This is very useful to know if you’re trying to change aspects of your life, because if you can change your thinking, then your doing will naturally change as well.

The quick facts:
* The motivation to avoid pain is usually stronger than the motivation to gain pleasure.
* Most people focus on avoiding pain and gaining pleasure in the short term, but to be successful you need to focus on avoiding pain and gaining pleasure long term.
* Everybody’s perception of what causes pain and pleasure is different and linked to their own experiences.

To make changes in our lives we need to change how we think and how we act. One simple way to do this is to change what you link your pain and pleasure to. For greater success you also need to shift your focus from short term pain and pleasure, to long term pain and pleasure.

Here’s an example:

If you’re overweight you may be focussing on the short term pleasure that you link to eating too much, or eating unhealthy foods. Or, you might be avoiding pain that you link with exercising. Or, maybe you’re avoiding the pain of dealing with a problem and instead seeking pleasure and comfort from food.

* You can motivate yourself to make the changes you need to by creating new long term links to pain and pleasure for yourself.
* You might choose to avoid the pain associated with long term health problems, or of looking fat and not being able to wear nice clothes.
* Also add in some long term pleasure associations, such as looking and feeling fantastic, and being able to play with your children.
* The key thing to remember is that the new links and associations must be personal and real for you.
* And, they need to be strong enough to over-ride your existing pleasure and pain associations of eating the cake and avoiding the gym!

Another common example is staying in a relationship that is no longer positive or satisfying. In the short term, you may gain pleasure from having a date to go out with and avoid the pain of being lonely. But is it costing you the long term pleasure of having a fulfilling relationship, and the long term pain of realising you’ve wasted many years staying in an empty relationship?

By Jacqui Thomas

Live in the Now!

Jacqui — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 07:02:30 +0000

Most people have heard the saying:
“The past is history, the future is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it’s called the present.”

However, how many of us spend a large proportion of our time either dwelling on issues of the past or striving to create a fantastic future? We are missing the here and now. While it’s worthwhile to reflect on the past, and to visualise the future, most of us would benefit from focusing more attention on the present.

The present is simply the reality of your life as it is today. Not how it could be, or should be, or you want it to be, but how it actually is. Even though we may not like it, the present is perfect. The way things are today are that way for good reason. This is your actual reality. It isn’t set in concrete forever, but it is what you have to work with at the present time.

To see how much of your attention is focused on the here and now, draw a circle. Now divide it into three sections according to how much of your focus is spent on the past, the present and the future. Be honest, you may be surprised. I encourage you to work on increasing the amount of focus you have for the present by letting go of the past and also your emphasis on the future. By all means, learn from the past, and always have one eye on where you are heading in the future, but try and keep the majority of your focus in the here and now, your current reality.

If you can focus most of your attention on the present you will be more aware of your reality. This enables you to change and improve things you would like to be different. It also makes you more aware of opportunities that arise today, which are easily missed if you are focussing on the past or future. Best of all, this enables you to enjoy what you already have. It may take some effort to get there, but aim for about 80% focus on the present, with 10% each for the past and the future. The past is gone, and the future never gets here – all we really have is now.

By Jacqui Thomas

Need More Love in Your Relationship?

Jacqui — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 00:30:17 +0000

It’s that time of the year when we are bombarded with the notion of love and romance as we lead up to Valentine’s Day. If you are in a relationship it may seem like you are one of the lucky ones? But are you getting what you want and need from your relationship? The reality is that many people would like more love in their lives, and it’s not just the single ones. The good news is that, if you want it, it’s possible, it just may require some effort and some courage.

If you’re already in a relationship:

Think about what it is that’s missing from your relationship – is it the fun, the intimacy, the romance, the communication, the closeness, the passion, the involvement? If you can pinpoint what it is you want more of, it’s much easier to rectify. Are you making time for each other? Are you having fun together? Do you make sure you have special time just for the two of you? Do you talk to each other? Are you involved in each other’s lives?

If not, is it because you just haven’t made it a priority and allocated the time, or actually because you don’t want to. Having a great relationship does require a bit of effort and you have to make sure you allow it the time it deserves.

If you want it to work, make the time to have some fun, do something special, talk to each other. If the “want to” isn’t there, do you really want to be with this person? Do you still like this person? People can grow apart and may come to a point where they just don’t want the same things anymore.

Not all good relationships last forever. People change and this is no-one’s fault. If your relationship has past it’s used by date then maybe it’s time to gently end it so you can both move on and find the love you deserve somewhere else.

See my other article for 5 Steps to Find Love if You’re Single.

By Jacqui Thomas

Saying ‘No” – the Power of a 2 Letter Word

Jacqui — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 07:18:46 +0000

How often do you say “yes” when you really mean “no”? Do you run yourself ragged trying to get things done that you agreed to but didn’t want to do in the first place? Do you wonder why you have no time and energy left for the things that are important to you? Do you worry about letting other people down? Do you wonder why on earth you said “yes” in the first place?

Stop! Enough of trying to be super-human, enough of not wanting to disappoint others, enough of putting everybody else before yourself. It is time to start saying no more often. I guarantee not only will you reap the rewards, but those closest to you will benefit as well.

Here are a few places to start:

* Start putting your own needs first and although there may be some initial backlash, I guarantee the positive results will be worth it. “But I feel so selfish!” I hear you say. Think of it this way, there is a very good reason why the airline safety messages say “please fix your own oxygen mask first before attempting to help others” – it’s because you are no help to others if you haven’t already taken care of your own needs first! So say “no”. It’s not in anyone’s best interests for you to agree to help others if you haven’t already looked after yourself.

* Eliminate the “shoulds” in your life. Don’t say “yes” to anything you don’t want to do, even if you feel you “should” do it. Trying to do the “shoulds” in your life is a major waste of time and energy.

* Focus on your priorities and what is really important to you. You always have choices, but you don’t physically have enough time, space and energy to say yes to everything. Say no to low priorities so you can say “yes” to things that really matter to you.

Tips on How to Say No

* The word “no” should start the sentence
* Speak clearly and confidently
* Say what you mean
* Be decisive
* Be polite but firm
* Keep your tone neutral, not emotional
* If you want to, you can explain why
* If you want to, you can offer an alternative
* If it’s appropriate, thank them for the offer
* Don’t feel guilty!

By Jacqui Thomas

Damage Control – Surviving Your Mistakes

Jacqui — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 07:14:59 +0000

Mistakes are an essential part of the learning process and an inevitable part of life. We all make mistakes, but some of them are bigger and have more serious consequences than others, especially if they involve our work or our personal relationships. So how can we make the most of our mistakes and learn from them rather than being crippled and devastated by them?

The first step is to come clean and admit your mistake. Although this may be difficult, you need to be honest and take responsibility for your mistake. The sooner you do this, the easier it is to rectify it and the less negative consequences there are likely to be. Don’t be tempted to lie, blame someone else, or cover up the mistake as this always makes the situation worse and the problems bigger. As scary as it may be, the sooner you can own up and accept responsibility, the better off you will be in the long run.

Secondly, you need to apologise to anyone who has been affected by your mistake, and then do whatever you can to fix it. Sometimes taking responsibility and apologising will be enough, in other cases some action may be required to repair the damage or resolve the situation. If you’re not sure what to do to fix it, ask the people concerned what you can do to make things right.

Once you have accepted responsibility and done everything you can to correct your mistake, the third step is to let it go, wipe the slate clean and move on. There’s no point beating yourself up over a mistake forever. You’re only human, so don’t be too hard on yourself, just keep doing the best you can. Learn from your mistake and try to ensure you don’t make the same mistake twice.

By Jacqui Thomas

Is Your Fabulous Lifestyle Getting in the Way of Your Fantastic Life?

Jacqui — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 23:23:59 +0000

There is actually a big difference between having a great lifestyle and a great life – but the two can easily become confused.

“Lifestyle” refers to things we buy to decorate our lives. Through our lifestyle choices we can buy an identity through brands. We can define how other people perceive us, so it can be a way of gaining acceptance and approval from them. A common term for this is “keeping up with the Joneses”. We want to control what people think of us and it can be tempting to do this through making sure we have the right “things” in order to be regarded in a certain way.

Your “life” on the other hand, is what you lead when you know what is important to you and you let that control your behaviour. Your life is made up of your choices and actions. Through our “life” we can create our own self esteem and pride through being true to our selves.

Often our “lifestyle” keeps us in situations we don’t want anymore, like jobs, relationships and even cities that are no longer working for us. It’s very easy to get tied up in working towards having the right home, with the right furniture, the nice cars, sending our kids to the right schools, having the right holidays, wearing the right clothes, etc, etc.

There is nothing wrong with having nice things, fabulous holidays, or any of the other lifestyle choices, if it is what you want. But, so often, our “lifestyle” becomes more about what other people think, than what we truly want for ourselves.

Take a moment now to imagine you are celebrating your 80th birthday and looking back on your life with tremendous pride. What are you most proud of? What were the highlights of your life? Did you have the life you wanted to have? What was most important to you?

Now look at a snapshot of how you live today. Is it a picture you are proud of? Are you working towards being able to look back on that wonderful life? Are there any changes you would like to make? Are you focussing your time and energy on the things that matter most to you? Are you living your life according to what you honestly believe is most important, or are you chasing other people’s expectations?

By Jacqui Thomas