In my opinion, asking is the most under-utilised tool for getting what you want. Kids do it well, but as adults we seem to have lost this tool from our repertoire.
Why?
* Because we’re scared someone will say No
* Because we’re scared someone will say Yes
* We don’t want people to think less of us for asking (ie, that we are weak, needy, incapable, dependent, bludging….)
* We don’t want the other person to feel bad for saying No
* Because we think other people should know what we want, without us having to ask
How ridiculous!
Life would be much simpler if people could communicate freely and clearly and ask for what they want and need.
Some solutions…
* If someone says No, it doesn’t matter. It’s not the end of the world, it’s not personal – they simply can’t help and you need to either ask a different question, or ask someone else. (Children do this well. In fact, the other option they employ is to keep asking the same question, until the answer changes, however I don’t recommend this!) Even if the person you’ve asked can’t help with your request, they will often offer alternatives or suggest someone who may be able to help, so you’ve still gained from asking the question. And, often they will feel flattered by the request, even if they can’t oblige, so everyone wins.
* If someone says Yes – Great! Remember they are adults, it was their choice to say Yes. Accept it with grace and gratitude. There is no need to feel bad about it.
* We are humans not robots. It is impossible to be completely self-sufficient, we all need other people for all manner of reasons. People don’t think less of you for making a request, whether it be for help, a date, or whatever. Usually they are flattered, it makes them feel good to be asked, whatever their chosen response might be. And in turn, it enables them to feel better about asking for whatever they need.
* If they have a problem communicating their honest response, then that is their responsibility to work through, not yours. If it makes you feel better, you can let them know at the outset of your request that the choice is theirs – you just need a yes or a no.
This is a biggie in relationships, with partners, families and friends. The truth is we all see the world from our own perspective. You can’t assume that someone else sees what you see, and therefore can second-guess your needs and desires. Save everyone a lot of grief by being upfront about what you need and want. You won’t always get it but at least both parties know what the request is, and from there can make, and deal with, a clear response.
Written by Jacqui Thomas
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