A common issue of family dynamics is feeling like a child again in your parents’ home. It can be really frustrating to be treated like a kid again when you’re a successful, independent adult with your own life. No matter how old you are, you will always be your parent’s daughter / son. I have even heard people in their fifties and sixties talk about this same challenge. You have several choices here, and it really depends how severe the issue actually is.

It’s fair enough that there may be certain rules in any home that are important to the owners and need to be abided by whilst under that roof. These could be things like not wearing shoes inside, not smoking, or couples not sleeping together unless they’re married. Usually it’s no great hardship to simply accept these rules for the short time you’re there, after all you’re a guest in someone else’s home.

However, if the issues are more serious, like continual negative put-downs, refusal to accept choices you have made, or other things that eat away at the core of who you are as a person, then you may want to reconsider how much time you want to spend there. Perhaps find an alternative place to stay? Or, look at tackling the issues before you actually arrive for the holiday. Talk to your parents, and in a neutral manner, let them know what it is that bothers you, and also what your ideal solution would be. It’s possible that this is much more of an issue for you than it is for them, so it may be relatively easy to resolve. The key to these discussions is to keep the tone neutral, so don’t wait until you’re already there and things are getting heated. As soon as emotion enters the exchange, the content of the conversation gets lost and all that is heard is the emotion, which is not going to help you get the outcomes you’d like.

If there are political issues within the family, say an issue that has divided the family with different viewpoints, then try to agree to put this aside for the family occasion. Being an adult means being entitled to have your own opinion, so it’s unrealistic to expect everyone to agree on even important issues just because they’re related. You can love and accept family members without having to agree with their opinions or condone their actions. Let it go in the spirit of love and forgiveness at Christmas, even if it’s just for the day.

By Jacqui Thomas

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That could’ve easily been the case for me this weekend, but instead I somehow managed to remain incredibly calm and experienced the wonder of going with the flow, instead of the extra stress associated with resisting reality.

I was so far behind with my work commitments, hadn’t even begun the Christmas shopping, and the Christmas tree had already been deleted from the agenda and put back into storage, so I really didn’t have time to attend my friend’s baby shower, especially as she lives three hours away. But she is a good friend, and I decided that actually, an enforced overnight break out of town may be just what the doctor ordered. That was fine until, at 7pm on a country road in the middle of nowhere, my car broke down and refused to go again. I got to experience the best of human nature as some local farmers towed me to the nearest town, where we left my car outside a garage, and my dear friends came and collected me. For the next two days, we were stuck on an idyllic rural property with no car, and no cell phone or broadband coverage, with nothing to do but relax until the car could be fixed.

At this point most of us would stress and worry about all the things we are supposed to be doing, the meetings we are missing, the tasks that are not being done. Or, we can practice going with the flow and trusting that the present is prefect, that everything is exactly how it supposed to be, even if it’s not how we would like it.

Dan Millman says, “Stress is the mind’s refusal to accept what is.” Ain’t that the truth? We don’t have to like reality, but accepting what the current reality is, is a great starting point to make changes, without getting eaten up by stress of it.

One of my favourite quotes is from the Dalai Lama who says, “Sometimes when things don’t go your way, it’s a wonderful stroke of luck.”

And a friend of mine is fond of the notion “that it’s not going wrong, it’s just going.” I had set my intention to replace my car before Christmas, maybe this is part of the process? You have to clear the old to make way for the new. Or maybe Santa is just being cheeky and having some fun with my Christmas wishlist?

Either way, things will go wrong for each and every one of us. We can either make it ten times worse for ourselves by stressing about it, or go with the flow, accept the current reality and see how you can make the best of it.

By Jacqui Thomas

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