Feeling stuck, being stuck in a rut, groundhog day, going through the motions…. they’re all euphemisms for the same phenomena, and often stem from needing to do something different and making a change, but not doing it.  It could also be thought of as resisting the flow of life.

Change can be scary, even when we want to change, and/or know we need to change… even when we realise the benefits of change will leave us in a much better space.  Because of fear we try and prepare ourselves well in order to ensure the change is successful.  Such preparation is useful to a point, but it is easy to overdo it and end up stuck in the no-man’s land known as ‘paralysis by analysis’.   Spending too much time preparing for every possible outcome and trying to get all your ducks in a row, is actually a pointless exercise – the ducks always move. 

And so it is with life.  Everything is dynamic, constantly moving.  Like a game of chess, every move has the potential to completely change the game.  To plan all your moves at the beginning of the game would make it necessary to play entirely by yourself and control all the conditions.  Not only would this be boring and lonely, but you may miss out on better opportunities that are only made possible by another player’s moves.

So all you need to know is the first move.  Then you assess the best move to make next once it is your turn to move again.  The possible moves change all the time and can’t necessarily be planned in advance.  If you don’t know what the first move should be, or feel like you can’t make a good move, then just make any move.  This is kind of like a reshuffle.  Sometimes there are no great moves to be made, as in any game.  But by at least making a move, even if it is sideways, then you keep the game moving and change the dynamics which may open up a better move for the next turn.

So if you’re stuck, move!  Any move is better than staying stuck.  Take a leap of faith and do something.  Movement builds momentum.  The first step is often the hardest and requires the most energy.  Once you are moving it is easier to keep going.

© Jacqui Thomas 2010, All rights reserved.

But why do we put off doing the things that we DO want to do?

Generally, this type of procrastination is linked to our attachment to a desired outcome. The fear of getting something wrong, or not achieving our desired outcome, can stop us from taking any action at all. As long as we do nothing, our desired outcome is still a maybe, it’s possible. The fear of that ‘maybe’ becoming a ‘no’, prevents us from taking the action that could turn the ‘maybe’ into a ‘yes’.

We place too much value on how we think things need to pan out, in order to get ‘where’ we want to go, or ‘what’ we want. We micro manage our actions to the point where we stall, we get stuck, we’re too scared to move, in case we make a mistake.

The trick is to trust in the process. Trust that any action is a step in the right direction – even if it doesn’t seem so at the time. Trust that you are heading to your desired outcome, even if it seems like you’re given a U-turn, a detour, or even a dead end.

Getting somewhere requires movement. And each movement changes the state of play. You literally need to move one step at a time, and each step will be subject to factors and variables that you may be aware of, but that are outside your control. Pre-planning all the steps to your desired outcome is a waste of time and energy as the best steps may not even be apparent yet.

If you’re clear on your desired outcome / your end result, don’t put off taking a step towards it. Any movement is positive, even if it doesn’t seem so at the time – it may just be shaking things up to make the next step possible.

© Jacqui Thomas, 2010 All rights reserved.

This is the difference between feeling and thinking.  If you over think something, you can literally feel your brain whirring around in over drive.  Conversely, if you go with what you “feel” is right, decisions and a course of action come comparatively easily.  Put simply, brain power is limited, heart power is limitless.

Of course the head (mind and brain) has an important role to play.  It is useful for putting structures and plans in place to make things happen effectively.  The trick is to use it for its intended roles without letting it completely take over the show!

This is why you are much more likely to achieve goals you actually want to achieve, to be successful in a business you actually enjoy, to have a long lasting relationship with someone you really love.  This is why you hear stories of people beating incredible odds to achieve their dreams, of mothers lifting cars to save their children, people with no legs climbing Mt Everest.  The thing is you can pretty much have anything you really want.  Not because it just happens with the wave of a magic wand, but because if you really want it, your heart will unleash an amazing force of energy to help you do whatever needs to be done in order to make it happen.

So what you do really want for yourself?  What would you love to do this year?  Who would you love to be?  If you are truly honest with yourself and your heart is fully, 100% involved, then anything is possible.

© Jacqui Thomas, 2010.  All rights reserved

A certain amount of independence is a good thing.  It’s useful to be capable of looking after yourself and to be responsible for your actions.  But being completely self-sufficient is counter-productive.  Being totally self reliant cuts you off from community which is essential for us to “thrive”, rather than merely “survive”.   

As humans we have needs beyond basic food and shelter.  We have an emotional need for community – to share, to love, to feel, to contribute.  Being part of a community is a two way street – you need to be able to “give” and to “receive”.  In order for the process to work effectively, receiving is equally important as giving.  One can’t happen without the other.  So it’s important to take your turn at both.

Sometimes we feel like we have to do it all, that there is no help available.  There is always help available, but you have to be willing to allow it.  Maybe you need to create some space to let the help in?  Allow yourself to receive.  Stop doing it all, so there is room for others to help you.  Ask for help and accept it graciously when it comes.  Let go of needing to control everything yourself, so other people can help you.  And remember that receiving help is just as valid as giving it.  Both sides of the equation are crucial to the process – so we all need to do our fair share of both!

© Jacqui Thomas, 2010 All rights reserved.

Most of us here in New Zealand truly do have a lot to be grateful for. We live in a beautiful country, we have the luxury of freedom, and we are relatively safe and trouble free. The vast majority of us have a roof over our heads, food in our tummies, the opportunity of good education and safe drinking water straight out of the tap. If we can add to the list good health and people who love us, then most of us really are quite lucky and do indeed have a lot to be grateful for.

Next time you’re feeling a bit down and life seems unfair, a great boost is to write yourself an exhaustive list of all the things you are grateful for. Don’t forget to include things that you probably take for granted but would miss terribly if they were taken away, these are usually the important ones! Don’t stop until you absolutely can’t think of anything else to add. I guarantee you’ll feel instantly better about your situation. It’s highly likely that once you have your “grateful list”, whatever it is you’re upset about not having will seem quite trivial in comparison with everything you do have. It’s quite true, no matter how bad things seem, there will always be someone much worse off than you, and I bet they would love to trade places and have all that you have.

You don’t have to wait until you’re feeling sorry for yourself to start getting into the habit of being grateful. A daily grateful journal is a lovely way to finish each day. Simply write down 5 things that you are grateful for before you go to bed each night. This gets you into the habit of focussing on what’s good in your life, rather than what’s wrong or missing. When you do this consistently not only do you feel much better about yourself, you also start a positive spiral upwards, attracting more good things your way. It seems we don’t get given any more until we appreciate what we’ve already got!

By Jacqui Thomas

All rights reserved

Usually it’s that same old obstacle holding us back – FEAR. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of what people might think…. and the list goes on.

When you are open to the flow – of energy, and of life itself – ideas and opportunities can come anytime and frequently. The thing with flow, though, is it needs to keep flowing! Ie, it needs to keep moving. If you start stockpiling your opportunities, you block the flow. You create a traffic jam in your mind and new ideas can’t get through until the first one is out of the way.

I realise it’s not always practical to act on ideas immediately. Sometimes you have to pop an idea to one side – maybe it needs more time, more thought, more information, or more resources before you can act on it. You can still keep your ideas and opportunities flowing by moving this one out of the way. A coach I once worked with, had what he called an Idea Incubator. He looked at my To Do list and wondered why things would still remain on the list week after week – I simply couldn’t action them yet, even though I still wanted to.

He said, “Jacqui, you need to take these things off your To Do list and put them in your Incubator – they are wasting valuable time and energy and clogging up your flow. When you are ready to actually do something with them, move them back on to your action list then.”

Your incubator could be a box, a folder, a book or just a scrap of paper in a safe place. Anywhere where you know you can keep your ideas safe without having to actively remember them.

Another important thing about ideas and opportunities is that there are plenty of them. You don’t have to take them all. Opportunities are like buses – one gone is one gone forever, but don’t worry, there will be another one along soon. There’s no point wasting your time longing for the one you’ve missed, just get yourself ready to take the next one!

To make the most of your ideas and opportunities you need to be proactive. You have a choice to make and the sooner you do it, the better. Here’s a simple Opportunity Filing System with three options:

• Act on it
• Decide not to act on it – ie, Bin it!
• Move it to the Incubator so it’s in a safe place for the future.

There’s no right or wrong choice, just choose. If you’re not happy with your choice, choose again. But DON”T let your ideas take up valuable space in the forefront of your mind while you do nothing – this will block your flow and stop new opportunities getting through!

Written by Jacqui Thomas

All rights reserved, © Jacqui Thomas, 2010

 Many people say yes to things when they really mean no, simply because they don’t want to let the other person down.  Hello!  The very same person gets a much bigger let down in the long run when you can’t deliver what you said you would.  Most people would much prefer to have a no upfront, so they can make alternative arrangements, than be let down at the last minute.  Not only that, imagine how much easier your life would be if you weren’t racing around trying to keep everyone else happy and stressing out about letting people down?

Right now, decide to stop making promises you can’t keep, even better stop making promises at all.  Stop agreeing to things you can’t do, won’t do, don’t want to do, or aren’t even realistically capable of doing.  Your new mantra is “under promise and over deliver”.  

Once you stop saying yes to everything and trying to be in multiple places simultaneously, you can practice being 100% present in wherever you are and whatever you are doing.  Become more in control of your choices, and then focus on and enjoy the choices you have made.  If you choose to be working on a project, then that is what you are doing.  If you’re reading your kids a bedtime story, you are not cooking dinner.  And if you choose to be having a coffee with a friend, be just as 100% focussed on that task.  If you’ve made the choice it is because it is important to you and should only be over-ridden by something that is even more important to you (and then only if it’s urgent).

We are aiming for quality here, not quantity.  Many of you will be arguing that this way you will only be getting one task done rather than five.  My point is that you will be getting one task completed well (and with no stress) as opposed to five tasks incomplete and not done well with potentially a huge headache and follow-on problems as well!

As you practice this technique, you will find that you actually get a lot more done and please a lot more people.  Also, things that aren’t that important to you start to drop away, leaving even more precious time for the things that are.  Eventually, it even becomes easier and easier to deliver even more than people expect of you, and this is done with a lot less effort because you are doing it because you want to and are able to, rather than because you are committed and pressured to.

By Jacqui Thomas

All rights reserved

It has become common to view these so called negative feelings as bad.  It’s not socially acceptable to spend too much time being angry or bitter, or moping around being miserable.  In response to that we tend to then deny these feelings when they arise, but the problem is, by denying them they don’t go away, they just get buried beneath the surface.  And that, I believe, is dangerous and unhealthy.  Beneath the surface they fester, and eventually explode in some way – either emotionally, or physically.

Louise Hay, is well known for her work around this issue and her best selling book – You Can Heal Your Life.  Her basic philosophy is that every physical health issue stems from a mental or emotional issue.  Disease is actually Dis –Ease within your self.  At the back of her book she has a listing of most physical ailments along with the probable cause of the Dis-ease.  Most ailments go back to a root cause of some kind of fear, resentment, anger, disappointment or lack of self worth.  Which brings us back to our problem – what do we do if we are feeling these kind of feelings and don’t want to make ourselves sick?

 The answer seems like a contradiction – the answer is to actually feel them.  A mind-body practitioner that I respect, Dr Dov Phillips, explained it to me with this analogy:

“When something makes us happy, we smile.  If we find something funny, we laugh.  With our “positive” emotions we feel no need to control them, we just let them happen.  The emotion is triggered, we respond, and then that emotion is gone, it’s on to the next one.  With our so-called “negative” emotions, we often don’t feel that it is appropriate to respond, so we store it.  Something makes us sad or angry, but we don’t feel like it’s ok to cry or yell, so we hold it in and control it.  We store it for later, but usually we never go back and release it.  So it gets stored and it builds up and eventually it causes us problems because we haven’t acknowledged it.  If we had acknowledged it when it happened it would have been gone immediately after, just like the thing that triggered us to smile and feel happy.”

 My concern was what if feeling the negative feeling caused a downward spiral – how do you avoid getting caught up in feeling miserable or angry, when you don’t want to feel like that? 

Dr Dov’s response:

“Where people get caught up is in their own stories.  Don’t attach a story to your feelings (ie, what happened to make you feel this way) or these will continue to replay in your head.  Simply feel the feeling – acknowledge what you feel, allow yourself to really feel that feeling, do whatever you need to do to express the feeling, and let it go.

 Written by Jacqui Thomas

All rights reserved

What do you worry about?  Some common concerns are loss of income, your house burning down, losing your children, getting sick and not being able to pay for your medical expenses, not being able to afford to retire, having your home broken into, children getting run over, your car being stolen.

The first step in protecting yourself, so you never have to waste any more energy worrying about these things again, is to define what you have to lose and how it could be lost.  Then you can work out what strategies you can put into place to protect yourself against these possibilities.

One method of protection, which covers many of the main concerns, is insurance.  There are many different types of insurance to meet different people’s needs but most people should have some insurance cover of some sort.  There are general insurances that cover things like your house, your contents and your car.  Then there is personal insurance such as life insurance and income protection insurance that covers loss of income through illness or death.  Other insurance such as medical insurance covers medical costs when you need it.  See an expert to find out what best suits your needs and budget, because when you need it, it’s too late.

As well as the financial side of being well protected there are many simple things you can do to protect yourself.  Set up family systems so everyone knows what to do if there is a fire, or someone gets lost when you’re out and about.  Set clear rules about wearing seatbelts and not playing on the road.  Install smoke alarms and adequate locks on doors and windows.  Always lock your car and don’t leave anything valuable in view.  Start a savings plan so you have an emergency fund if you need it.  Pay your bills on time and minimise debt.  Have a current will that clearly states who will care for your children and who gets what if you die.

Being well protected doesn’t mean focussing on the doom and gloom and all possible disasters.  It means never having to worry about the “what-ifs’ ever again because you know that you have the systems in place to deal with anything that could happen.  This leaves you free to get on with enjoying life today!

By Jacqui Thomas

All rights reserved

The quick facts: 
*  The motivation to avoid pain is usually stronger than the motivation to gain pleasure. 
*  Most people focus on avoiding pain and gaining pleasure in the short term, but to be successful you need to focus on avoiding pain and gaining pleasure long term.
*  Everybody’s perception of what causes pain and pleasure is different and linked to their own experiences.

To make changes in our lives we need to change how we think and how we act.  One simple way to do this is to change what you link your pain and pleasure to.  For greater success you also need to shift your focus from short term pain and pleasure, to long term pain and pleasure.

Here’s an example:

If you’re overweight you may be focussing on the short term pleasure that you link to eating too much, or eating unhealthy foods.  Or, you might be avoiding pain that you link with exercising.  Or, maybe you’re avoiding the pain of dealing with a problem and instead seeking pleasure and comfort from food.  

*  You can motivate yourself to make the changes you need to by creating new long term links to pain and pleasure for yourself. 
*  You might choose to avoid the pain associated with long term health problems, or of looking fat and not being able to wear nice clothes. 
*  Also add in some long term pleasure associations, such as looking and feeling fantastic, and being able to play with your children. 
*  The key thing to remember is that the new links and associations must be personal and real for you. 
*  And, they need to be strong enough to over-ride your existing pleasure and pain associations of eating the cake and avoiding the gym!

Another common example is staying in a relationship that is no longer positive or satisfying.  In the short term, you may gain pleasure from having a date to go out with and avoid the pain of being lonely.  But is it costing you the long term pleasure of having a fulfilling relationship, and the long term pain of realising you’ve wasted many years staying in an empty relationship?

By Jacqui Thomas

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