The number one thing you need is support, so have a good think about what support network you have already, or could build, to help you bring up this child.  This could include family, friends, practical support, financial support and good childcare.

Another big question is “who is going to father this child?”  Friend?  Boyfriend?  Sperm donor?  If it’s going to be someone you know, be sure to clarify what that person’s role will be once the baby is born.

One of the biggest challenges a single parent faces is financial.  At face value, this is obvious – you need to have some kind of income to support not only yourself, but your new family.  What you may not realise, however, is just how much money you will require.  Children can be expensive, and I don’t just mean nappies and baby paraphernalia.  All of your living expenses increase when all of a sudden there is more than just you to care for.  That child is now relying on you for somewhere to live, food, warmth, healthcare, clothing, education, entertainment and the list goes on.  You have taken on the responsibility of providing that child with the best possible start in life so it’s up to you to make that happen.

What makes that even more challenging is that if you are the sole care-giver, then you already have a job 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  For every hour that you are not actively caring for that child, you need to find someone else to look after them instead, and will quite possibly have to pay for this.  However it is all possible and can be made a lot easier with some forward planning.

Lastly, I think it’s worth a mention that although your timeframe to produce your baby may be urgent and you’re currently single, having a baby by yourself doesn’t necessarily mean you will always be a single parent.  Who knows when your next ideal partner may come along?  It’s quite possible that the wonderful daddy can be added to the family after the baby is born, rather than in the usual order of events.  This can actually take the pressure off potential relationships, as it takes the urgency of committing to making a baby away.  And, after the event, it’s obvious that the child is part of the package, which quickly weeds out any would-be suitors that aren’t interested in kids.

Yes, it is a challenge to bring up a child on your own, but it’s also very rewarding and certainly not impossible.  Once you’ve got them, though, they’re here for good, so if you do want to have a child on your own, do your homework first – it’s not as easy as it looks!

© Jacqui Thomas, All rights reserved, 2010

A certain amount of independence is a good thing.  It’s useful to be capable of looking after yourself and to be responsible for your actions.  But being completely self-sufficient is counter-productive.  Being totally self reliant cuts you off from community which is essential for us to “thrive”, rather than merely “survive”.   

As humans we have needs beyond basic food and shelter.  We have an emotional need for community – to share, to love, to feel, to contribute.  Being part of a community is a two way street – you need to be able to “give” and to “receive”.  In order for the process to work effectively, receiving is equally important as giving.  One can’t happen without the other.  So it’s important to take your turn at both.

Sometimes we feel like we have to do it all, that there is no help available.  There is always help available, but you have to be willing to allow it.  Maybe you need to create some space to let the help in?  Allow yourself to receive.  Stop doing it all, so there is room for others to help you.  Ask for help and accept it graciously when it comes.  Let go of needing to control everything yourself, so other people can help you.  And remember that receiving help is just as valid as giving it.  Both sides of the equation are crucial to the process – so we all need to do our fair share of both!

© Jacqui Thomas, 2010 All rights reserved.

Here’s a strategy that I find very helpful for tough choices.  It’s a simple process involving four questions.  They are known as the Cartesian Questions and were developed by a famous metaphysician called Rene Descartes.  You’ll need some paper to keep track of your answers. 

The questions are:

*  What will happen if you do?

*  What will happen if you don’t?

*  What won’t happen if you do?

*  What won’t happen if you don’t?

If you like you can divide your piece of paper into 4 quadrants:

* WILL / DO

* WILL / DON’T

* WON’T / DO

* WON’T / DON’T

You’ll find this really gets you thinking about the pros and cons at a deeper level, helping you make the best decision for you.  When you see the answers you’ve jotted down for each question, the decision becomes very clear.

© Jacqui Thomas, 2010.  All rights reserved

Why?

* Because we’re scared someone will say No

* Because we’re scared someone will say Yes

* We don’t want people to think less of us for asking (ie, that we are weak, needy, incapable, dependent, bludging….)

* We don’t want the other person to feel bad for saying No

* Because we think other people should know what we want, without us having to ask

How ridiculous!

Life would be much simpler if people could communicate freely and clearly and ask for what they want and need.

Some solutions…

* If someone says No, it doesn’t matter.  It’s not the end of the world, it’s not personal – they simply can’t help and you need to either ask a different question, or ask someone else.  (Children do this well.  In fact, the other option they employ is to keep asking the same question, until the answer changes, however I don’t recommend this!)  Even if the person you’ve asked can’t help with your request, they will often offer alternatives or suggest someone who may be able to help, so you’ve still gained from asking the question.  And, often they will feel flattered by the request, even if they can’t oblige, so everyone wins.

* If someone says Yes – Great!  Remember they are adults, it was their choice to say Yes.  Accept it with grace and gratitude.  There is no need to feel bad about it.

* We are humans not robots.  It is impossible to be completely self-sufficient, we all need other people for all manner of reasons.  People don’t think less of you for making a request, whether it be for help, a date, or whatever.  Usually they are flattered, it makes them feel good to be asked, whatever their chosen response might be.  And in turn, it enables them to feel better about asking for whatever they need.

* If they have a problem communicating their honest response, then that is their responsibility to work through, not yours.  If it makes you feel better, you can let them know at the outset of your request that the choice is theirs – you just need a yes or a no.

This is a biggie in relationships, with partners, families and friends.  The truth is we all see the world from our own perspective.  You can’t assume that someone else sees what you see, and therefore can second-guess your needs and desires.  Save everyone a lot of grief by being upfront about what you need and want.  You won’t always get it but at least both parties know what the request is, and from there can make, and deal with, a clear response.

Written by Jacqui Thomas

All rights reserved

No matter how bad things seem, it is never forever, it always gets better.  Sometimes you just have to trust the process, and focus on your intended outcome, and remember that the rough patch will pass. 

Change, and/or the need for change, can often be uncomfortable, but this discomfort is useful.  Often it is a signal that changes need to be made and if they’re not made, the discomfort will increase until you do.  At some point, the choice may no longer even be yours to make, and change will just happen with or without you.  They say the Universe sends you messages, and if you don’t listen it turns up the volume!

The uncomfortable part can also come in the midst of change.  You can ride this out, knowing that the discomfort is a natural part of the reshuffle forwards onto better things.  Again focus on your intended outcome, trust the process, and know that the rough patch is part of working towards the better place at the end.

I’ve had two examples of this myself recently.  One being a flatmate situation that was no longer working.  I knew I needed to make a change but kept putting it off (avoiding confrontation perhaps?) until eventually the messages were getting so loud that I absolutely had to do something about it.  The process was uncomfortable, but by focussing on my intended outcome, I knew I could ride it out and in the end, it would all be alright.

A second example is a new website I’ve been working on.  There have been moments when I could very easily get bogged down in all the glitches and hiccups in the development process, and think it’s never going to work, that it’s all gone wrong.  But by remembering the Dalai Lama, trusting the process, and focussing on the desired end result, the challenges and issues have been worked through and we’re on track to get to the intended outcome.

This is true of any situation.  Change is the one true constant.  Learn to work with it and you can save yourself a lot of stress.

Written by Jacqui Thomas

All rights reserved

 If you’re already in a relationship: 

 Think about what it is that’s missing from your relationship – is it the fun, the intimacy, the romance, the communication, the closeness, the passion, the involvement?  If you can pinpoint what it is you want more of, it’s much easier to rectify.  Are you making time for each other?  Are you having fun together?  Do you make sure you have special time just for the two of you?  Do you talk to each other?  Are you involved in each other’s lives? 

 If not, is it because you just haven’t made it a priority and allocated the time, or actually because you don’t want to.  Having a great relationship does require a bit of effort and you have to make sure you allow it the time it deserves. 

 If you want it to work, make the time to have some fun, do something special, talk to each other.  If the “want to” isn’t there, do you really want to be with this person?  Do you still like this person?  People can grow apart and may come to a point where they just don’t want the same things anymore. 

 Not all good relationships last forever.  People change and this is no-one’s fault.  If your relationship has past it’s used by date then maybe it’s time to gently end it so you can both move on and find the love you deserve somewhere else.

 See my other article for 5 Steps to Find Love if You’re Single.

By Jacqui Thomas

All rights reserved

Stop!  Enough of trying to be super-human, enough of not wanting to disappoint others, enough of putting everybody else before yourself.  It is time to start saying no more often.  I guarantee not only will you reap the rewards, but those closest to you will benefit as well. 

Here are a few places to start:

*  Start putting your own needs first and although there may be some initial backlash, I guarantee the positive results will be worth it.  “But I feel so selfish!” I hear you say.  Think of it this way, there is a very good reason why the airline safety messages say “please fix your own oxygen mask first before attempting to help others” – it’s because you are no help to others if you haven’t already taken care of your own needs first!  So say “no”.  It’s not in anyone’s best interests for you to agree to help others if you haven’t already looked after yourself.

*  Eliminate the “shoulds” in your life.  Don’t say “yes” to anything you don’t want to do, even if you feel you “should” do it.  Trying to do the “shoulds” in your life is a major waste of time and energy.

*  Focus on your priorities and what is really important to you.  You always have choices, but you don’t physically have enough time, space and energy to say yes to everything.  Say no to low priorities so you can say “yes” to things that really matter to you.

Tips on How to Say No

*  The word “no” should start the sentence
*  Speak clearly and confidently
*  Say what you mean
*  Be decisive
*  Be polite but firm
*  Keep your tone neutral, not emotional
*  If you want to, you can explain why
*  If you want to, you can offer an alternative
*  If it’s appropriate, thank them for the offer
*  Don’t feel guilty!

By Jacqui Thomas

All rights reserved

Mary was a fulltime mother and housewife for all 24 years of her married life until her husband announced he was having an affair.  Left with nothing when he left, with no experience or business acumen whatsoever, Mary took on the cafe her husband had been in the process of starting, complete with thousands of dollars worth of debts, and made a go of it.

When I took on this business I had absolutely no idea about running a cafe, I didn’t even know how to pour a filter coffee.  At the time I had been married for 24 years and I was a housewife.  My husband was in business and throughout my married life I’d worked the odd day here and there, but they were only pretend jobs.  Earning money wasn’t a side of my marriage I had to address.

My husband was setting up the cafe.  The lease was up for renegotiation.  He was going to take on the lease, do up the cafe, and then resell the lease.  Right in the middle of it all he announced he was having an affair, that he was going to be leaving, and he wanted the business sold.  He really didn’t want me in the cafe, but I dug my toes in.  Bearing in mind that I suddenly had no source of income, no house, and I had been a housewife for the last 24 years, I decided I had to give it a go.

It was tough.  While they finalised the details, I had to work with my husband and his new girlfriend.  Emotionally, I wasn’t the best equipped to deal with anything, let alone running a business.

My first real insight into how little business acumen I had, and how little support I was about to have, was when I had to go to the bank.  I had to take over the overdraft with my father as guarantor.  When I went to the bank they talked to my father, not to me.  I don’t think Dad really wanted to lend me the money, I suspect he was looking for an out.  The bank certainly didn’t want to lend money to a middle-aged housewife, on the verge of a breakdown, who didn’t have an ounce of business acumen.  That was my first introduction to how difficult it was going to be for me as a woman, without a house or any collateral.  My husband had taken everything.

Eventually my father agreed to act as guarantor, even though the bank advised him I was a dodgy prospect.  I think he felt sorry for me at the time so he gave it a go, which I am grateful for.  I repaid his trust, and the money, and from there I constantly grew.  When I came into the business, I found I was left with thousands of dollars of debts I had been completely unaware of.  So as well as struggling to come to terms with every other aspect of the business – staff, wages, GST – I constantly had creditors ringing me demanding money.  At any one time, they could have put me under so I had no choice but to get a grasp on everything as quickly as possible.

I was extremely fortunate to have the support of my daughter, Emily.  She was at university, studying for a masters degree at the time.  She quickly came to terms with many aspects of running the business.  My husband had left nothing.  Emily set the books up, started doing costings, and thought it was feasible, that if we got it right we could make a go of it.  Emily worked out what it would cost to run the business and said, “Mum this is what you have to do every week before you even turn the lights on, otherwise you’re going to be in trouble.”

I initially worked seven days a week, from 5.20 in the morning, until 7 at night.  Gradually I made myself completely au fait with every aspect of running this cafe.  Every day was a battle until now it is easier.  Now I don’t owe anyone anything, I run my business on a monthly accounts system, I have a good name around town, I make one of the best coffees in Christchurch, and most of the time I enjoy it.

I learned through making plenty of mistakes.  After 24 years of marriage I was dropped in it – and I could make a go of it, or go under, that was it.  I just had to carry on each day, read up on things, and educate myself.  Every day I tried to make sure the lack of knowledge I had didn’t go with me into tomorrow.  I set myself targets every day.  The cappuccino machine used to scare the shits out of me.  Some days I’d have a queue half way down the mall, and I wouldn’t know how I was ever going to get on top of it, but I did.

Excerpt from Mary Murray’s story

Go Girl Go! – Real Stories of New Zealand Women in Business

By Jacqui Thomas

Published 2001, JT Publishing Ltd

A common issue of family dynamics is feeling like a child again in your parents’ home. It can be really frustrating to be treated like a kid again when you’re a successful, independent adult with your own life. No matter how old you are, you will always be your parent’s daughter / son. I have even heard people in their fifties and sixties talk about this same challenge. You have several choices here, and it really depends how severe the issue actually is.

It’s fair enough that there may be certain rules in any home that are important to the owners and need to be abided by whilst under that roof. These could be things like not wearing shoes inside, not smoking, or couples not sleeping together unless they’re married. Usually it’s no great hardship to simply accept these rules for the short time you’re there, after all you’re a guest in someone else’s home.

However, if the issues are more serious, like continual negative put-downs, refusal to accept choices you have made, or other things that eat away at the core of who you are as a person, then you may want to reconsider how much time you want to spend there. Perhaps find an alternative place to stay? Or, look at tackling the issues before you actually arrive for the holiday. Talk to your parents, and in a neutral manner, let them know what it is that bothers you, and also what your ideal solution would be. It’s possible that this is much more of an issue for you than it is for them, so it may be relatively easy to resolve. The key to these discussions is to keep the tone neutral, so don’t wait until you’re already there and things are getting heated. As soon as emotion enters the exchange, the content of the conversation gets lost and all that is heard is the emotion, which is not going to help you get the outcomes you’d like.

If there are political issues within the family, say an issue that has divided the family with different viewpoints, then try to agree to put this aside for the family occasion. Being an adult means being entitled to have your own opinion, so it’s unrealistic to expect everyone to agree on even important issues just because they’re related. You can love and accept family members without having to agree with their opinions or condone their actions. Let it go in the spirit of love and forgiveness at Christmas, even if it’s just for the day.

By Jacqui Thomas

All rights reserved

So what can we do if other people’s behaviour is affecting us in a negative way?  Although we can’t control someone else’s behaviour, we can control what behaviour we allow in our personal space.  We do this by creating boundaries.  Boundaries are imaginary lines that define what other people are allowed to do to us and around us. 

Here’s an example.  Jane hates cigarette smoking, but her best friend Lisa smokes a packet a day.  Jane cannot change Lisa’s behaviour and insist she give up smoking.  But, she can set boundaries around how Lisa’s smoking affects her.  Her boundaries are that Lisa cannot smoke inside Jane’s house or in her car.

For boundaries to work, people have to know about them.  Here is a step by step process to deliver your boundaries.

Step 1:  Inform the person about your boundary.  Eg, I don’t allow people smoking inside my house. 
Step 2:  Request that they honour your boundary by changing their behaviour around you.  Give them suggestions of how they could make it better.  Eg, If you want to smoke at my house, I would like you to smoke outside.
Step 3:  Insist that they keep to your boundary.  (This step may not be required.  Often when people know that they are doing something you don’t like and they have been given an opportunity to make it right, they will.)  Advise the person of negative consequences if they don’t honour your boundary.  Eg, If you are not prepared to smoke outside, you are not welcome in my home.
Step 4:  Follow through with negative consequences if the boundary you have set has not been honoured. 

It is human nature to test boundaries, so don’t give up if your boundary setting is not successful immediately.  The step by step process may need to be repeated before the person realises you are serious about the new boundary.

Lastly, for boundaries to be effective they also need to match your own personal standards.  It is pretty difficult to enforce a boundary, which is “do as I say, but not as I do.”