Jacqui Thomas » Relationships

Single and Want a Baby?

Jacqui — Mon, 10 May 2010 11:03:42 +0000

As a Mum who was a single parent from the very beginning, I’m often asked about the pros and cons of having a baby by yourself. In this age of independent women having careers and travelling, whilst the biological clock keeps on ticking, it’s a decision more and more single, thirty something, women are faced with. If you are single, want to have a child, and are running out of time, then deciding to go ahead on your own can be the only option. There is no right or wrong answer here, no foolproof decision making tool, but here are some important questions to work through to make the best choice for you.

The number one thing you need is support, so have a good think about what support network you have already, or could build, to help you bring up this child. This could include family, friends, practical support, financial support and good childcare.

Another big question is “who is going to father this child?” Friend? Boyfriend? Sperm donor? If it’s going to be someone you know, be sure to clarify what that person’s role will be once the baby is born.

One of the biggest challenges a single parent faces is financial. At face value, this is obvious – you need to have some kind of income to support not only yourself, but your new family. What you may not realise, however, is just how much money you will require. Children can be expensive, and I don’t just mean nappies and baby paraphernalia. All of your living expenses increase when all of a sudden there is more than just you to care for. That child is now relying on you for somewhere to live, food, warmth, healthcare, clothing, education, entertainment and the list goes on. You have taken on the responsibility of providing that child with the best possible start in life so it’s up to you to make that happen.

What makes that even more challenging is that if you are the sole care-giver, then you already have a job 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. For every hour that you are not actively caring for that child, you need to find someone else to look after them instead, and will quite possibly have to pay for this. However it is all possible and can be made a lot easier with some forward planning.

Lastly, I think it’s worth a mention that although your timeframe to produce your baby may be urgent and you’re currently single, having a baby by yourself doesn’t necessarily mean you will always be a single parent. Who knows when your next ideal partner may come along? It’s quite possible that the wonderful daddy can be added to the family after the baby is born, rather than in the usual order of events. This can actually take the pressure off potential relationships, as it takes the urgency of committing to making a baby away. And, after the event, it’s obvious that the child is part of the package, which quickly weeds out any would-be suitors that aren’t interested in kids.

Yes, it is a challenge to bring up a child on your own, but it’s also very rewarding and certainly not impossible. Once you’ve got them, though, they’re here for good, so if you do want to have a child on your own, do your homework first – it’s not as easy as it looks!

Under Promise and Over Deliver

Jacqui — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 07:14:58 +0000

Are you one of those people that says yes to everything, tries to please everyone and runs around like a headless chicken trying to be in six places at once? Chances are you are also late for everything and annoy more people than you manage to please, no matter how hard you try to keep everyone happy. Maybe it’s time to try a new approach. Warning- it may go completely against your natural instincts at first, but you, and everyone else, will soon see the benefits.

Many people say yes to things when they really mean no, simply because they don’t want to let the other person down. Hello! The very same person gets a much bigger let down in the long run when you can’t deliver what you said you would. Most people would much prefer to have a no upfront, so they can make alternative arrangements, than be let down at the last minute. Not only that, imagine how much easier your life would be if you weren’t racing around trying to keep everyone else happy and stressing out about letting people down?

Right now, decide to stop making promises you can’t keep, even better stop making promises at all. Stop agreeing to things you can’t do, won’t do, don’t want to do, or aren’t even realistically capable of doing. Your new mantra is “under promise and over deliver”.

Once you stop saying yes to everything and trying to be in multiple places simultaneously, you can practice being 100% present in wherever you are and whatever you are doing. Become more in control of your choices, and then focus on and enjoy the choices you have made. If you choose to be working on a project, then that is what you are doing. If you’re reading your kids a bedtime story, you are not cooking dinner. And if you choose to be having a coffee with a friend, be just as 100% focussed on that task. If you’ve made the choice it is because it is important to you and should only be over-ridden by something that is even more important to you (and then only if it’s urgent).

We are aiming for quality here, not quantity. Many of you will be arguing that this way you will only be getting one task done rather than five. My point is that you will be getting one task completed well (and with no stress) as opposed to five tasks incomplete and not done well with potentially a huge headache and follow-on problems as well!

As you practice this technique, you will find that you actually get a lot more done and please a lot more people. Also, things that aren’t that important to you start to drop away, leaving even more precious time for the things that are. Eventually, it even becomes easier and easier to deliver even more than people expect of you, and this is done with a lot less effort because you are doing it because you want to and are able to, rather than because you are committed and pressured to.

By Jacqui Thomas

If You Don’t Ask, You Don’t Get

Jacqui — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 20:44:50 +0000

In my opinion, asking is the most under-utilised tool for getting what you want. Kids do it well, but as adults we seem to have lost this tool from our repertoire.

Why?

* Because we’re scared someone will say No

* Because we’re scared someone will say Yes

* We don’t want people to think less of us for asking (ie, that we are weak, needy, incapable, dependent, bludging….)

* We don’t want the other person to feel bad for saying No

* Because we think other people should know what we want, without us having to ask

How ridiculous!

Life would be much simpler if people could communicate freely and clearly and ask for what they want and need.

Some solutions…

* If someone says No, it doesn’t matter. It’s not the end of the world, it’s not personal – they simply can’t help and you need to either ask a different question, or ask someone else. (Children do this well. In fact, the other option they employ is to keep asking the same question, until the answer changes, however I don’t recommend this!) Even if the person you’ve asked can’t help with your request, they will often offer alternatives or suggest someone who may be able to help, so you’ve still gained from asking the question. And, often they will feel flattered by the request, even if they can’t oblige, so everyone wins.

* If someone says Yes – Great! Remember they are adults, it was their choice to say Yes. Accept it with grace and gratitude. There is no need to feel bad about it.

* We are humans not robots. It is impossible to be completely self-sufficient, we all need other people for all manner of reasons. People don’t think less of you for making a request, whether it be for help, a date, or whatever. Usually they are flattered, it makes them feel good to be asked, whatever their chosen response might be. And in turn, it enables them to feel better about asking for whatever they need.

* If they have a problem communicating their honest response, then that is their responsibility to work through, not yours. If it makes you feel better, you can let them know at the outset of your request that the choice is theirs – you just need a yes or a no.

This is a biggie in relationships, with partners, families and friends. The truth is we all see the world from our own perspective. You can’t assume that someone else sees what you see, and therefore can second-guess your needs and desires. Save everyone a lot of grief by being upfront about what you need and want. You won’t always get it but at least both parties know what the request is, and from there can make, and deal with, a clear response.

Written by Jacqui Thomas

Single on Valentine’s Day – 5 Steps to Finding Love

Jacqui — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 00:22:32 +0000

If you’re unhappily single, Valentine’s Day can be one of the toughest times of the year. Even if you are otherwise content with your relationship status, or lack of, having your nose rubbed in everyone else’s romantic bliss can be unsettling. The reality is that most people would like more love in their lives. Last week, we talked about how to get more love in your relationship, but where do you start if you’re currently single?

Here’s 5 Steps to Getting More Love in Your Life:

1. Firstly, do you actually want a relationship? Be honest here. And, if so have you made some room for it. Many single women are so extremely busy and stressed out that they simply don’t have the space, time or energy in their lives to meet anyone, let alone start a relationship. If you really want it, you need to factor it into your plan and create some time and space for love.

2. Secondly, know what you’re looking for, both in a partner, and in a relationship. Write yourself a list of all the attributes that are important to you. I’m not talking about surface things like eye colour, I mean personal qualities and interests that will be important for your compatibility. These could be things like political or religious beliefs, personality traits, values, goals in life, and could include things like drinking and smoking, whether they want or already have children, etc. Then go through the list again and highlight the “not-negotiables”. You will end up with a list of “not-negotiables”, plus a secondary list of” nice to haves” but that aren’t deal-breakers. Now you have a checklist and can avoid wasting lots of time and energy on people that are obviously wrong for you.

3. Get to know yourself. What are your strengths and attributes? Are you a good match for your ideal partner? Are there things about yourself that need some work? Have you dealt with any baggage from past relationships? To have a great relationship you need to be complete within yourself. You are looking for someone to share yourself with, not someone who can compensate for your gaps.

4. Next, are you getting out there and meeting people? It is a fact that gorgeous potential partners do NOT go randomly knocking on doors looking for lonely women sitting at home watching TV. You have to get involved, be social, get out there and have some fun. Let trusted friends and colleagues know that you’d like to meet some people and tell them what you’re looking for. Get active and do the things you love to do – it could be that your ideal match loves doing that too. These days there are also many professional agencies set up to introduce single people. Reputable internet sites provide a safe forum for people to meet, or try speed dating or singles dinner parties.

5. Lastly, don’t try too hard. You never know when you’re going to meet that wonderful person that absolutely rocks your world, – it’s likely to happen when you least expect it, so relax and enjoy yourself!

Written by Jacqui Thomas

Need More Love in Your Relationship?

Jacqui — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 00:30:17 +0000

It’s that time of the year when we are bombarded with the notion of love and romance as we lead up to Valentine’s Day. If you are in a relationship it may seem like you are one of the lucky ones? But are you getting what you want and need from your relationship? The reality is that many people would like more love in their lives, and it’s not just the single ones. The good news is that, if you want it, it’s possible, it just may require some effort and some courage.

If you’re already in a relationship:

Think about what it is that’s missing from your relationship – is it the fun, the intimacy, the romance, the communication, the closeness, the passion, the involvement? If you can pinpoint what it is you want more of, it’s much easier to rectify. Are you making time for each other? Are you having fun together? Do you make sure you have special time just for the two of you? Do you talk to each other? Are you involved in each other’s lives?

If not, is it because you just haven’t made it a priority and allocated the time, or actually because you don’t want to. Having a great relationship does require a bit of effort and you have to make sure you allow it the time it deserves.

If you want it to work, make the time to have some fun, do something special, talk to each other. If the “want to” isn’t there, do you really want to be with this person? Do you still like this person? People can grow apart and may come to a point where they just don’t want the same things anymore.

Not all good relationships last forever. People change and this is no-one’s fault. If your relationship has past it’s used by date then maybe it’s time to gently end it so you can both move on and find the love you deserve somewhere else.

See my other article for 5 Steps to Find Love if You’re Single.

By Jacqui Thomas