The number one thing you need is support, so have a good think about what support network you have already, or could build, to help you bring up this child.  This could include family, friends, practical support, financial support and good childcare.

Another big question is “who is going to father this child?”  Friend?  Boyfriend?  Sperm donor?  If it’s going to be someone you know, be sure to clarify what that person’s role will be once the baby is born.

One of the biggest challenges a single parent faces is financial.  At face value, this is obvious – you need to have some kind of income to support not only yourself, but your new family.  What you may not realise, however, is just how much money you will require.  Children can be expensive, and I don’t just mean nappies and baby paraphernalia.  All of your living expenses increase when all of a sudden there is more than just you to care for.  That child is now relying on you for somewhere to live, food, warmth, healthcare, clothing, education, entertainment and the list goes on.  You have taken on the responsibility of providing that child with the best possible start in life so it’s up to you to make that happen.

What makes that even more challenging is that if you are the sole care-giver, then you already have a job 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  For every hour that you are not actively caring for that child, you need to find someone else to look after them instead, and will quite possibly have to pay for this.  However it is all possible and can be made a lot easier with some forward planning.

Lastly, I think it’s worth a mention that although your timeframe to produce your baby may be urgent and you’re currently single, having a baby by yourself doesn’t necessarily mean you will always be a single parent.  Who knows when your next ideal partner may come along?  It’s quite possible that the wonderful daddy can be added to the family after the baby is born, rather than in the usual order of events.  This can actually take the pressure off potential relationships, as it takes the urgency of committing to making a baby away.  And, after the event, it’s obvious that the child is part of the package, which quickly weeds out any would-be suitors that aren’t interested in kids.

Yes, it is a challenge to bring up a child on your own, but it’s also very rewarding and certainly not impossible.  Once you’ve got them, though, they’re here for good, so if you do want to have a child on your own, do your homework first – it’s not as easy as it looks!

© Jacqui Thomas, All rights reserved, 2010

A certain amount of independence is a good thing.  It’s useful to be capable of looking after yourself and to be responsible for your actions.  But being completely self-sufficient is counter-productive.  Being totally self reliant cuts you off from community which is essential for us to “thrive”, rather than merely “survive”.   

As humans we have needs beyond basic food and shelter.  We have an emotional need for community – to share, to love, to feel, to contribute.  Being part of a community is a two way street – you need to be able to “give” and to “receive”.  In order for the process to work effectively, receiving is equally important as giving.  One can’t happen without the other.  So it’s important to take your turn at both.

Sometimes we feel like we have to do it all, that there is no help available.  There is always help available, but you have to be willing to allow it.  Maybe you need to create some space to let the help in?  Allow yourself to receive.  Stop doing it all, so there is room for others to help you.  Ask for help and accept it graciously when it comes.  Let go of needing to control everything yourself, so other people can help you.  And remember that receiving help is just as valid as giving it.  Both sides of the equation are crucial to the process – so we all need to do our fair share of both!

© Jacqui Thomas, 2010 All rights reserved.

 Many people say yes to things when they really mean no, simply because they don’t want to let the other person down.  Hello!  The very same person gets a much bigger let down in the long run when you can’t deliver what you said you would.  Most people would much prefer to have a no upfront, so they can make alternative arrangements, than be let down at the last minute.  Not only that, imagine how much easier your life would be if you weren’t racing around trying to keep everyone else happy and stressing out about letting people down?

Right now, decide to stop making promises you can’t keep, even better stop making promises at all.  Stop agreeing to things you can’t do, won’t do, don’t want to do, or aren’t even realistically capable of doing.  Your new mantra is “under promise and over deliver”.  

Once you stop saying yes to everything and trying to be in multiple places simultaneously, you can practice being 100% present in wherever you are and whatever you are doing.  Become more in control of your choices, and then focus on and enjoy the choices you have made.  If you choose to be working on a project, then that is what you are doing.  If you’re reading your kids a bedtime story, you are not cooking dinner.  And if you choose to be having a coffee with a friend, be just as 100% focussed on that task.  If you’ve made the choice it is because it is important to you and should only be over-ridden by something that is even more important to you (and then only if it’s urgent).

We are aiming for quality here, not quantity.  Many of you will be arguing that this way you will only be getting one task done rather than five.  My point is that you will be getting one task completed well (and with no stress) as opposed to five tasks incomplete and not done well with potentially a huge headache and follow-on problems as well!

As you practice this technique, you will find that you actually get a lot more done and please a lot more people.  Also, things that aren’t that important to you start to drop away, leaving even more precious time for the things that are.  Eventually, it even becomes easier and easier to deliver even more than people expect of you, and this is done with a lot less effort because you are doing it because you want to and are able to, rather than because you are committed and pressured to.

By Jacqui Thomas

All rights reserved

Why?

* Because we’re scared someone will say No

* Because we’re scared someone will say Yes

* We don’t want people to think less of us for asking (ie, that we are weak, needy, incapable, dependent, bludging….)

* We don’t want the other person to feel bad for saying No

* Because we think other people should know what we want, without us having to ask

How ridiculous!

Life would be much simpler if people could communicate freely and clearly and ask for what they want and need.

Some solutions…

* If someone says No, it doesn’t matter.  It’s not the end of the world, it’s not personal – they simply can’t help and you need to either ask a different question, or ask someone else.  (Children do this well.  In fact, the other option they employ is to keep asking the same question, until the answer changes, however I don’t recommend this!)  Even if the person you’ve asked can’t help with your request, they will often offer alternatives or suggest someone who may be able to help, so you’ve still gained from asking the question.  And, often they will feel flattered by the request, even if they can’t oblige, so everyone wins.

* If someone says Yes – Great!  Remember they are adults, it was their choice to say Yes.  Accept it with grace and gratitude.  There is no need to feel bad about it.

* We are humans not robots.  It is impossible to be completely self-sufficient, we all need other people for all manner of reasons.  People don’t think less of you for making a request, whether it be for help, a date, or whatever.  Usually they are flattered, it makes them feel good to be asked, whatever their chosen response might be.  And in turn, it enables them to feel better about asking for whatever they need.

* If they have a problem communicating their honest response, then that is their responsibility to work through, not yours.  If it makes you feel better, you can let them know at the outset of your request that the choice is theirs – you just need a yes or a no.

This is a biggie in relationships, with partners, families and friends.  The truth is we all see the world from our own perspective.  You can’t assume that someone else sees what you see, and therefore can second-guess your needs and desires.  Save everyone a lot of grief by being upfront about what you need and want.  You won’t always get it but at least both parties know what the request is, and from there can make, and deal with, a clear response.

Written by Jacqui Thomas

All rights reserved

No matter how bad things seem, it is never forever, it always gets better.  Sometimes you just have to trust the process, and focus on your intended outcome, and remember that the rough patch will pass. 

Change, and/or the need for change, can often be uncomfortable, but this discomfort is useful.  Often it is a signal that changes need to be made and if they’re not made, the discomfort will increase until you do.  At some point, the choice may no longer even be yours to make, and change will just happen with or without you.  They say the Universe sends you messages, and if you don’t listen it turns up the volume!

The uncomfortable part can also come in the midst of change.  You can ride this out, knowing that the discomfort is a natural part of the reshuffle forwards onto better things.  Again focus on your intended outcome, trust the process, and know that the rough patch is part of working towards the better place at the end.

I’ve had two examples of this myself recently.  One being a flatmate situation that was no longer working.  I knew I needed to make a change but kept putting it off (avoiding confrontation perhaps?) until eventually the messages were getting so loud that I absolutely had to do something about it.  The process was uncomfortable, but by focussing on my intended outcome, I knew I could ride it out and in the end, it would all be alright.

A second example is a new website I’ve been working on.  There have been moments when I could very easily get bogged down in all the glitches and hiccups in the development process, and think it’s never going to work, that it’s all gone wrong.  But by remembering the Dalai Lama, trusting the process, and focussing on the desired end result, the challenges and issues have been worked through and we’re on track to get to the intended outcome.

This is true of any situation.  Change is the one true constant.  Learn to work with it and you can save yourself a lot of stress.

Written by Jacqui Thomas

All rights reserved

What do you worry about?  Some common concerns are loss of income, your house burning down, losing your children, getting sick and not being able to pay for your medical expenses, not being able to afford to retire, having your home broken into, children getting run over, your car being stolen.

The first step in protecting yourself, so you never have to waste any more energy worrying about these things again, is to define what you have to lose and how it could be lost.  Then you can work out what strategies you can put into place to protect yourself against these possibilities.

One method of protection, which covers many of the main concerns, is insurance.  There are many different types of insurance to meet different people’s needs but most people should have some insurance cover of some sort.  There are general insurances that cover things like your house, your contents and your car.  Then there is personal insurance such as life insurance and income protection insurance that covers loss of income through illness or death.  Other insurance such as medical insurance covers medical costs when you need it.  See an expert to find out what best suits your needs and budget, because when you need it, it’s too late.

As well as the financial side of being well protected there are many simple things you can do to protect yourself.  Set up family systems so everyone knows what to do if there is a fire, or someone gets lost when you’re out and about.  Set clear rules about wearing seatbelts and not playing on the road.  Install smoke alarms and adequate locks on doors and windows.  Always lock your car and don’t leave anything valuable in view.  Start a savings plan so you have an emergency fund if you need it.  Pay your bills on time and minimise debt.  Have a current will that clearly states who will care for your children and who gets what if you die.

Being well protected doesn’t mean focussing on the doom and gloom and all possible disasters.  It means never having to worry about the “what-ifs’ ever again because you know that you have the systems in place to deal with anything that could happen.  This leaves you free to get on with enjoying life today!

By Jacqui Thomas

All rights reserved

Stop!  Enough of trying to be super-human, enough of not wanting to disappoint others, enough of putting everybody else before yourself.  It is time to start saying no more often.  I guarantee not only will you reap the rewards, but those closest to you will benefit as well. 

Here are a few places to start:

*  Start putting your own needs first and although there may be some initial backlash, I guarantee the positive results will be worth it.  “But I feel so selfish!” I hear you say.  Think of it this way, there is a very good reason why the airline safety messages say “please fix your own oxygen mask first before attempting to help others” – it’s because you are no help to others if you haven’t already taken care of your own needs first!  So say “no”.  It’s not in anyone’s best interests for you to agree to help others if you haven’t already looked after yourself.

*  Eliminate the “shoulds” in your life.  Don’t say “yes” to anything you don’t want to do, even if you feel you “should” do it.  Trying to do the “shoulds” in your life is a major waste of time and energy.

*  Focus on your priorities and what is really important to you.  You always have choices, but you don’t physically have enough time, space and energy to say yes to everything.  Say no to low priorities so you can say “yes” to things that really matter to you.

Tips on How to Say No

*  The word “no” should start the sentence
*  Speak clearly and confidently
*  Say what you mean
*  Be decisive
*  Be polite but firm
*  Keep your tone neutral, not emotional
*  If you want to, you can explain why
*  If you want to, you can offer an alternative
*  If it’s appropriate, thank them for the offer
*  Don’t feel guilty!

By Jacqui Thomas

All rights reserved

Mary was a fulltime mother and housewife for all 24 years of her married life until her husband announced he was having an affair.  Left with nothing when he left, with no experience or business acumen whatsoever, Mary took on the cafe her husband had been in the process of starting, complete with thousands of dollars worth of debts, and made a go of it.

When I took on this business I had absolutely no idea about running a cafe, I didn’t even know how to pour a filter coffee.  At the time I had been married for 24 years and I was a housewife.  My husband was in business and throughout my married life I’d worked the odd day here and there, but they were only pretend jobs.  Earning money wasn’t a side of my marriage I had to address.

My husband was setting up the cafe.  The lease was up for renegotiation.  He was going to take on the lease, do up the cafe, and then resell the lease.  Right in the middle of it all he announced he was having an affair, that he was going to be leaving, and he wanted the business sold.  He really didn’t want me in the cafe, but I dug my toes in.  Bearing in mind that I suddenly had no source of income, no house, and I had been a housewife for the last 24 years, I decided I had to give it a go.

It was tough.  While they finalised the details, I had to work with my husband and his new girlfriend.  Emotionally, I wasn’t the best equipped to deal with anything, let alone running a business.

My first real insight into how little business acumen I had, and how little support I was about to have, was when I had to go to the bank.  I had to take over the overdraft with my father as guarantor.  When I went to the bank they talked to my father, not to me.  I don’t think Dad really wanted to lend me the money, I suspect he was looking for an out.  The bank certainly didn’t want to lend money to a middle-aged housewife, on the verge of a breakdown, who didn’t have an ounce of business acumen.  That was my first introduction to how difficult it was going to be for me as a woman, without a house or any collateral.  My husband had taken everything.

Eventually my father agreed to act as guarantor, even though the bank advised him I was a dodgy prospect.  I think he felt sorry for me at the time so he gave it a go, which I am grateful for.  I repaid his trust, and the money, and from there I constantly grew.  When I came into the business, I found I was left with thousands of dollars of debts I had been completely unaware of.  So as well as struggling to come to terms with every other aspect of the business – staff, wages, GST – I constantly had creditors ringing me demanding money.  At any one time, they could have put me under so I had no choice but to get a grasp on everything as quickly as possible.

I was extremely fortunate to have the support of my daughter, Emily.  She was at university, studying for a masters degree at the time.  She quickly came to terms with many aspects of running the business.  My husband had left nothing.  Emily set the books up, started doing costings, and thought it was feasible, that if we got it right we could make a go of it.  Emily worked out what it would cost to run the business and said, “Mum this is what you have to do every week before you even turn the lights on, otherwise you’re going to be in trouble.”

I initially worked seven days a week, from 5.20 in the morning, until 7 at night.  Gradually I made myself completely au fait with every aspect of running this cafe.  Every day was a battle until now it is easier.  Now I don’t owe anyone anything, I run my business on a monthly accounts system, I have a good name around town, I make one of the best coffees in Christchurch, and most of the time I enjoy it.

I learned through making plenty of mistakes.  After 24 years of marriage I was dropped in it – and I could make a go of it, or go under, that was it.  I just had to carry on each day, read up on things, and educate myself.  Every day I tried to make sure the lack of knowledge I had didn’t go with me into tomorrow.  I set myself targets every day.  The cappuccino machine used to scare the shits out of me.  Some days I’d have a queue half way down the mall, and I wouldn’t know how I was ever going to get on top of it, but I did.

Excerpt from Mary Murray’s story

Go Girl Go! – Real Stories of New Zealand Women in Business

By Jacqui Thomas

Published 2001, JT Publishing Ltd

It might help to first define forgiveness.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean “what you did is okay”.  It just means “I am no longer willing to carry around pain and anger in response to your actions.”  This is where the benefits of forgiveness really come into play, as you are only hurting yourself by carrying around that hurt, anger and irritation.  This really equates to a double whammy – first the hurt from the original incident and then the ongoing hurt from letting it continue!

Work out what you need to do to be able to let it go and move on.  You may not be able to get the resolution you would like from the other party but by all means ask for it, if you can.  If you decide to go down this track, be sure to communicate your message and your desired resolve in a neutral manner.  If it comes across as an emotional outburst, the content of your message will be lost and all that will be heard is the emotion.  This usually results in an equally emotional response back, which won’t achieve the desired results.

Sometimes just communicating how you feel about the incident is enough.  This doesn’t necessarily need to be a dialogue with the other party.  Often just writing it all down in a letter to the other person can be a beneficial letting go process.  The letter doesn’t even need to be sent.  In fact, I recommend waiting for a couple of days and rereading it before sending it.  In many cases you will have moved on significantly just through writing it all down and clearing your head, and the letter can be disposed of.  If writing isn’t your thing then find a positive person who’s a good listener that you can pour your story out to.  Be careful not to choose someone who thrives on drama and problems, though, or they may want to dwell on how awful it all is, rather than help you let go of it.

For many people, the person they harbour the biggest grudges against are themselves!  Feeling hatred, anger, and resentment toward yourself is no fun at all, and quite simply, it will make you sick.  Guilt, blame and other negative emotions quite literally poison your system, and for what purpose?  Whether you’re feeling this way towards yourself, or someone else, there is absolutely nothing good that will come from of it.  We all make mistakes, each and every one of us.  Very few people are inherently bad, but we’re all fallible.  So whether it’s yourself you need to forgive, or someone else, do yourself a favour and let it go, it’s definitely in your best interests.

By Jacqui Thomas

All rights reserved

First things first.  Before we even begin to look at these things, it’s worth making sure that our basic physical needs are being met. 

Ie, that our body has the things it needs to function properly on a daily basis.  By this I mean simple things like food, water, sleep and exercise.  We all know we need these things to survive.  It’s so simple it seems barely worth a mention, BUT, so often we let these things slide.  And when the basics slide, everything else slides as well.  It’s impossible to work on your emotional & spiritual needs, if your physical needs aren’t first taken care of.

So, ask yourself, on a scale of 1-5, how well am I getting my basic physical needs met?  Be honest and see if there are areas that need some attention.  Now make the effort to drink enough water, eat regularly, eat healthy foods, cut down on caffeine, drink less alcohol, reduce your sugar intake, cut down on fat content, get some exercise and get enough sleep.  You will be amazed at how much better you feel when you eat properly, are fully hydrated, have enough quality sleep and some regular exercise. 

When your physical needs are met fully not only will you feel great, but you may find that some of your issues have miraculously disappeared.  And, now that you are in peak condition, you are now much better equipped to deal with those that still remain.

By Jacqui Thomas

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